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The Gospel of Masshew

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Chapter 4Edit

12 Confront the weak-privileged, for their path is unswoly and unhealthy

Chapter 5Edit

1 Now, when Zyzz saw the crowds, he lifted up a mountainside and sat down. His bros came to him, 2 and he began to teach them The Beautitudes.

He said:

3  Blessed are the hypertrophic, for theirs is the kingdom of swolehalla.

Blessed are those who have DOMS, for they will recover

Blessed are the vascular, for their forearms will be 'mired

Blessed are those who hunger for protein, for they will hit their macros

Blessed are those who don't skip leg day, for they will achieve T-Rex mode

Blessed are the swole of heart, for they will remain alpha

9 Blessed are the spotters, for they will be called "bro"

10 Blessed are those who are accused of 'roid use, for they have high T 

11 Blessed are they swole sisters when people call you "manish", persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of your supreme glutes

12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward of gains, for in the same way they persecuted the bros who came before you."

Chapter 6Edit

1 Beware of practicing your swoledom before other people in order to be seen by them, for then you will have no gainz from Brodin who is in Swolehalla.

2 Thus, when you pray in the squat rack, sound no trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the Smith machines and on the ellipticals, that they may be praised by others. For they work for false gains of false praise.

6 But when you flex, go into your room, close the door and flex for the Swolefather, who is unseen. Then the Swolefather, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

9 Pray then like this:

"Swolefather, who art in the iron temple,
swoled by thy frame.
10 Thigh swoledom come,
thigh will be done,
in the deadlift as well as in the squat rack.
11 Give us this day our daily whey.
12 And forgive us our cheat days,
as we forgive those who swolehate.
13 And lead us not into cardio,
but deliver us from the elliptical.
For thine is the swoledom, the power clean, and the glute ham raise. Forever and ever.
Wheymen."

[Also see: Lats Prayer ]

Chapter 7Edit

13 Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it.  

14 For the gate is small and the way is narrow that leads to gainz, and there are few who find it.

Chapter 10Edit

13 And lo he did reach for his eye and in one movement deftly plucked it from the socket.  

14 Holding it aloft he did address the crowd thusly: "I only need one eye for I judge not the character of my children by thine appearance."  

15 And thus the crowd did show their appreciation and showered him with phallic symbols; but the God of the Iron Temple was not done for he took the removed eye and cast it into the sky to sit aside Bropollo.  

16 "And with my other eye do I watch in eternal vigilance, spotting for you all."

Chapter 15Edit

11 Truly I tell you, among those born of women there has not lifted anyone greater than Brawn; yet whoever is beast in the temple of Brodin is greater than he.

12 From the days of Brawn until now, the temple of Iron has been subjected to swolehate, and weakprivileged people have been raiding it.

13 For all the Brophets and the Routines brophesied until Brawn.

14 And if you are willing to accept it, he is the Brolijah who was to come.

15 Whoever has quads, let them squat.

16 “To what can I compare this generation? They are like curlbros sitting in the squatrack and calling out to others:

17 “‘We curled the 45's for you, and you did not mire; we did cable flyes for you, and you were not jelly’

18 For Brawn came neither cutting nor isolating, and they say, ‘He has a demon.’


29 Brodin returned to the Sea of Galilift and climbed a hill and sat down.  

30 A vast crowd brought him the weak privileged, the soft, fat, skinny, and many others with physical weakness and excuses on the mind, and they laid them before Brodin. And he made them all swole.  

31 The crowd was amazed! Those who hadn’t been able to squat were squatting, the fat were made healthy, the weak were infused with multiple servings of ground turkey, and those who had made excuses looked only towards their inner self! And they praised the God of Swol.  

32 Then Brodin called his brociples to him and said, “I feel sorry for rest of these people. They have been here with me for three days, and they have nothing left to eat. I don’t want to send them away hungry, or they themselves will not become swol.”  

33 The brociples replied, “And where would we get enough protein out here in the wilderness for all of them to eat?” 

34 Brodin asked, “How many protein shakes do you have?” They replied, “Seven, and a few small chicken breasts.”  

35 So Brodin told all the people to sit down on the ground. 

36 Then he took the seven protein shakes and chicken and poured and sliced them into smaller servings, and gave them to the brociples, who distributed them [to] the crowd.   

37 They all drank and ate until they, too, were swole, and when the last of it all was had, there were seven large buckets of creatine left over!  

38 There were four thousand men who became swole that day, in addition to all the women and children.  

39 Then Brodin sent the people home to go speak the word of the gains made that day.

Chapter 19 Edit

19 And it came to pass, that when Wheysus had finished these sayings, he departed from Galilift, and came into the coasts of Hugea;

2 And great multitudes followed him; and he gave them protein and made them swole.

3 The Gains Goblins also came unto him, tempting him, and saying unto him, Is it lawful for a swolebrother to put away his swolesister for individual exercise?

4 And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them both swole as fuck?

5 And said, For this cause shall a bro leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his swolesister: and they twain shall lift as one bicep?

6 Wherefore they are no more twain, but one ripped muscle. What therefore Brodin hath joined together, let not exercise put asunder.

16 And, behold, one without gains came and said unto him, ripped swolemaster, what good thing shall I do, that I may have eternal gains?

18 Wheysus said, Thou shalt not have cheat days, Thou shalt not skip leg day, Thou shalt not lift light, neither shalt thou drink thine calories as the skinnyfats do,

19 Honour thy Iron Temple and thy Spotter: and, Thou shalt love thy swolebrother as thyself.

20 The young man saith unto him, All these things have I kept from my youth up: what lack I yet?

21 Wheysus said unto him, If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that exercise bike, and those running shoes, and give the money to those without protein shakes, and thou shalt have treasure in Brodin's halls: and come and follow the Iron Path.

22 But when the young man heard that saying, he went away sorrowful: for he had many exercise bikes, treadmills and running shoes.

23 Then said Wheysus unto his disciples, Verily I say unto you, That a cardio bunny shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven.

24 And again I say unto you, It is easier for a skinnyfat to deadlift this 360-pound weight 5x5 times, than for a cardio bunny to enter into the kingdom of Brodin.

25 When his disciples heard it, they were exceedingly amazed, saying, Who then can be swole?

26 But Wheysus beheld them, and said unto them, With swolebrothers this is impossible; but with Brodin all things are possible.

27 Then answered Brawn and said unto him, Behold, we have forsaken all, and followed thee; what shall we have therefore?

28 And Wheysus said unto them, Verily I say unto you, That ye which have followed me, in the regeneration when the Son of Swole shall sit in the squat rack of his glory, ye also shall sit upon twelve iron thrones, judging the sweet gains of thine swolebrothers and swolesisters.

29 And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for the sake of lifting, shall receive an hundredfold gains, and shall inherit the eternal 'mirin' of all.

30 But many that are first at the bench shall be last at the squat rack; and the last to lift shall be first to receive gains.

Chapter 20Edit

1 Brodin spoke all these words, saying:

2 (1) Thou shalt not have any other home before Thy Gym, for the Gym is the hallowed home of The Swoley Spirit

3 (2) Thou shalt ignore the cardio bunnies and buttgrab bros, for they are distractions that will lead you away from swole

4 (3) Thou shalt not declare yours the one and only True Path to Strength. Brodin looks not upon the proud, but the learned and prudent.

5 (4) Thou shalt mock broscience and keep it far from your eyes, far from your lips, and far from your heart.

6 (5) Thou shalt not hold any other macro above protein, for protein is the nectar that flows from Brodin's table.

7 (6) Thou shall maintain form, It is the perfect rep that giveth glory to Brodin, not the heaviest.

8 (7) Thou shalt wipe down thine equipment after thy lifting ends, for this pleases Brodin.

9 (8) Thou shalt not curl in the squat rack. Thou shalt NEVER curl in the squat rack.

10 (9) Thou shalt lift often, for every day of lifting is holy to Brodin.

11 (10) Thou shalt not skip leg day, for the posterior chain is holy to Brodin.

12 (11) Thou shalt lift, and thou shalt lift heavy, for through Brodin all things can be lifted.

Chapter 21Edit

12 Brosus entered the iron temple and drove out all who were idling and curling in the squat rack there. He overturned the treadmills of the cardioites and the smith machines of those hindering range of motion. 

13“It is written,” he said to them, “‘My house will be called a house of Swole,’ but you are making it ‘a den of skinny-fat.’ ”

14 The weak and the robust came to him at the temple, and he gainzed them. 

15 But when the personal trainers and the teachers of the elliptical saw the wonderful things he did and the children shouting in the temple courts, “Hosanna to the Son of Brodin,” they were indignant.

16“Do you hear what these children are saying?” they asked him.

“Yes,” replied Brosus, “have you never read,

“‘From the legs of children and infants you, Lord, have called forth your gainz’ ?”

17 And he left them and went out to the middle platform, where he began to deadlift.


Chapter 23Edit

4 Ye runners and CrossFitters, know ye not that the friendship of cardio is enmity with Brodin? Whosoever therefore will be a friend of cardio is the enemy of Brodin.

14 Woe to you, cardio bunnies, crossfiters, because you swolest Brodin's children, and for a pretense you claim to be 'mirin.

15 Therefore, you will receive no gains.

Chapter 25Edit

38 "Come, inherit the gains prepared for you, for when I was hungry, you gave me protein, when I was running, you hydrated me, when I had DOMS, you visited me, and when I was bulking, you spotted me." 

39 And the people asked, 'Bro, when did we feed you and hydrate you and come to  you when you were sick or struggling under the bar?'  

40 and the King of Bros answered, "In as much as you have done it unto one of the least of these, my Bros, you have done it unto me."

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