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Gainesis

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Chapter 1Edit

The BeginningEdit

1) In the beginning Brodin created the Power Rack and the Olympic Platform.

2) Now the power rack was deserted with an empty barbell, darkness was over the surface of the platform, and the Spirit of Brodin was hovering over the Iron Temple.

3) And Brodin said, “Let there be 45 lb plates,” and there were plates. 4) Brodin saw that the plates were balanced, and he separated the iron plates from the rubber plates. 5) Brodin called the iron “power lifting plates,” and the rubber he called “olympic lifting plates.” And there was reps, and there were sets—the first lifting session.

6) And Brodin said, “Let there be a vault between the reps to separate lifts from lifts.” 7) So Brodin made the vault and separated the reps under the barbell from the weights on it. And it was so. 8) Brodin called the vault “rest.” And there was reps, and there was sets—the second lifting session.

9) And Brodin said, “Let the men under the sky be gathered to one place, and let them pick weights up and put them down repeatedly.” And it was so. 10) Brodin called this movement “deadlifts,” and the gathered men he called “bros.” And Brodin saw that it was good.

11) Then Brodin said, “Let us place heavy-ass weights on a bar and put it on their backs until their quads are so strong they push the earth.” And it was so. 12) The quads produced gainz: complementing the back and hamstrings of the deadlifts while continuing to push the weights on their back into the heavens. And Brodin saw that it was good. 13) And there was reps, and there were sets—the third lifting session.

14) And Brodin said, “Let there be complementing lifts to separate the upper and the lower body, and let them serve as signs to mark sacred biceps, and deltoids and pecs, 15) and let them be aesthetic in the eyes of the non-swole to give light in the iron temple.” And it was so. 16) Brodin made two great lifts—the bench press to govern the chest and the overhead press to govern the deltoids. He also made the curls. 17) Brodin set them in the temple of iron to balance out the lower body, 18) to strengthen the back, and to separate weaklings from swole. And Brodin saw that it was good. 19) And there were reps, and there were sets—the fourth lifting session.

20) And Brodin said, “Let the lifts not just be slow, but let the barbells by jerked with great power and technique.” 21) So Brodin created the great olympic lifts of snatches, and clean and jerk, according to their technique, and every explosive lifter swiftly moved heavy-ass weights with grace. And Brodin saw that it was good. 22) Brodin blessed them and said, “Go forth with great speed, power and technique but do not use straps or your forearms will lag.” 23) And there were low reps, and there were high sets—the fifth lifting session.

24) And Brodin said, “Let the body be able to act as a weight on itself so one can pay hommage despite distance from iron temples, from the lats pulling the body up to the chest and triceps pushing the body, each according to its kind.” And it was so. 25) Brodin made the bodyweight pulling movements according to their kinds, the pushing movements according to their kinds, and all the core movements that allow for human flags according to their kinds. And Brodin saw that it was good.

26) Then Brodin said, “Let us make lifters in our own image and likeness, so that they may swole over the weak privileged and the fatties with excuses, over the otters and non-squaters, and over all the toners that move along the ellipticals in the cardio section.”

27) So Brodin created bros in his own image, in the image of Brodin he created them; male and female he created them.

28) Brodin blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase lifts in number; fill the earth and dominate it. Rule over the otters in the sea and the otters in the sky and over every fatty that waddles on the ground.”

29) Then Brodin said, “I give you every whey-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every creature that has creatine in it. They will be yours for increasing your swole. 30) And to all the weaklings of the earth and all the cardio-birds in the sky and all the otters that move along the ground—everything that has the breath of life in it—I give every ounce of protein for food.” And it was so.

31) Brodin saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the sixth lifting session.

Chapter 2Edit

1) Thus the heavens and the earth were completed in all their vast array.

2) On the seventh day, Brodin finished all his lifting; so on the seventh day, he rested from all his PRs. 3) Then Brodin blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the deadlifts and squats. But he still took his Creatine and Protein.


Chapter 3Edit

The Story of Gain and Wheybel

1) Now Wheybel kept swole, and Gain toiled on the squat rack. 

2) In the course of time Gain brought powerlifting classes as an offering to Brodin.  

3) And Wheybel also brought an offering—protein shakes for his flock.

4) Brodin looked with favor on Wheybel and his offering, but on Gain and his offering he did not look with favor.

5) So Gain was very angry, and his face was downcast.

6) Then Brodin said to Gain, “Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast?

7) If your form is right, will you not see gains?

8) But if you do not do what is right, crossfit is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it.”

9) Now Gain said to his brother Wheybel, “Let’s go out to the gym.”

10) While they were at the gym, Gain did not spot his brother Wheybel.

11) Then Brodin said to Gain, “Where is your brother Wheybel?”

12) “I don’t know,” he replied. “Am I my brother’s spotter?

Chapter 11Edit

The Box of CrossfitEdit

1) Now the whole world had one type of lifting and a common barbell. 2) As people moved paleo, they found a box in California and settled there.

3) They said to each other, “Come, let’s AMRAP and puke thoroughly.” They used tabatta instead of squats, and deadlifts for legs. 4) Then they said, “Come, let us confuse our muscles and our minds with a brand name that attempts to reach the halls of Brodin, that we may make a game for ourselves, lest be scattered across the face of the Earth".

5) But the Brodin came down to see the box and the metcon the people were building. 6) Brodin said, “If as one people lifting with good technique they have begun to do this thing, then no real PR will be impossible for them. 7) Come, let us go down and kip their pullups that they strain tendons and fail to complete a single pullup.”

8) So Brodin kipped them from there over all the earth, and they stopped periodizing their gains. 9) Thus, it was called Crossfit—because there Brodin stalled their gains and delegitimized their workouts. From there, Brodin scattered them over the face of the whole earth and not a single swole was gained.

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