Book of Brodin Wiki

Welcome to the Book of Brodin Wiki

A collection of works of the Swolefather, Brodin, Broseidon, Bropollo, Brosiris, and his brophets into a Brodinist-editable form such that it may please the Swolefather.

The Book of Brodin welcomes your contributions and seeks assistance of volunteer editors to maintain this great work.

Editing Rules

1. Additions are welcome. Put new scripture in "To-be-organized Scripture"
2. Changes to existing text must meet a high standard or it will be undone. If you aren't sure, suggest your change on the "Talk" page.

The Book of Brodin Overview

A collection of the works of the Swole Gods from the holy land of abshard, to spread the swolosophy of Brodinism. A disciple of Brodin shall always adhere to and practice the holy tri-cepts of the Swole, also known as The Swoley Trinity:

1. Swole of the Body
2. Swole of the Spirit
3. Swole of the Mind

Brodin gifts us with the Swole of the Body when we worship him at the Iron Temples and present penance of the plates. But he only gifts the Swole to those that believe in the Swole. It is thus necessary to maintain the Swole of the Spirit; the constant and unwavering desire to improve ourselves in the eyes of Brodin.

However, the Swole of the Body and the swole of Spirit may lead us to become corrupted and fall from the grace of Brodin. Bellyal desires for us to abuse Brodin's gifts and become muscle-bound idiots, uneducated heathens that lose sight of the essence of the Swole. It is necessary to practice the Swole of the Mind to prevent ourselves from falling from the grace of Brodin by succumbing to the plague of corrupted Swole and becoming a member of Bellyal's Mindless Swole.

It is believed that the transcendence into Swolehalla occurs at approximately 6% body fat and 23½ swoles/second.

Go forth my brethren and may Brodin bless you in your journey to ultimate Swole.

Learn more about Brodinism.

Learn the Three Tenets of Swole (the "Tricepts")

The Old Chestament (a.k.a the Swolespiel / the Brobel / Gospel of Swole)

The Old Chestament is the collection of writings that form the fundamental tenets of Brodinism. It is filled with wisdom, advice, encouragement, and stories revolving around Brodin, Brophets, and other deities. Many books have been lost to time, but they will be found again.

Pectateuch (Teachings)

Gainesis

Trapothy

Flexidus

Liftviticus

Numbers

Gluteronomy

Brophets (History)

Bromaster, also known as the Personal Trainer. The great prophet of Brodinism who compels all of the devout to remain true to the weights through eternal repetition.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the name of Bromaster, our Personal Trainer, for deliverance through repetition. Let us weigh.

Wisdom

To Be sorted:

Brolossians / Brolippians / 1 Brorinthians / Swolossians

Bralms / Swolms (including the famous Swolm 23 )

Brosaiah

Bronicles

Brozekiel

Hebros

The Book of Shrugs

The Book of Atticus

The Holy Barbell

Traps of the Apostles

The Lats' Prayer

Hymns ("Swoly Hymns")

Lesser Works

Brahgakure

Brahmmapadha

Deltoids

Flexidus

Lifter

Newbophyte

Quad

Swolamuel

Swolothy

Swolam

The Book of Broses - the leading of the faithful to the land of Muscle Milk and Honeys

Trapeziastes

Broghavad Gita

Bro te Ching

The New Chestament  (a/k/a the New Swolespel / the Brobel / Gospel of Swole)

The New Chestament is the collection of writings and stories revolving around Zyzz and Zyzz's philosophies. Some Brodinists consider it sacred scripture, while others do not.

The Gospels

The Gospel of Masshuge

The Gospel of Mark

The Gospel of Glutes

The Gospel of Brawn

The Epistles

Epistles to Philebro

Epistle to the Bromans

Epistle to the Hebros

Other books

Brovelations

Revel-strations

Deities of Brodinism

Brodin - All father of swole

Other names for Brodin: The Swolefather, The Swoley Spirit, The Deity of Deadlifts, The Prince of the Press, The King of the Clean, Brahweh, Elbrohim, Swolord, Massiah, Immassuel, Allift, Jehbrovah, The All-Spotter.

Bropollo, Apobro - Brother of Brodin, the watchful eye who spots

Broddha - Also known as Brodhisattva, the Enliftened one. It is said that The Broddha was born into a life of small stature though a cruel fate giving him a full ectomorph's body. He is said to have consumed 7000 calories a day of protein and squatted heavy for 28 days straight, giving him a great 'Awakening to the Iron Path'. Those who follow Broddhism follow the teachings of the 4 Noble Lifts (Squat, Bench, Deadlift, Weighted Pullups).

Broseidon - Lord of the Brocean, keeper of protein shake seas. He who has achieved ultimate conditioning.

Brosiris - God of rest days and gains

Broki - Trickster god, decieves the unwary and uninformed and leads them down the path of illusionary swole and false gains. Can also be known as Tiggly the Trickster.

Absphrodite, Aphbrodite - Goddess of love, appreciation and brocreation of gains and swole

Brah - the Egyptian who powerlifts the sun through the day

Massiah - a leader anointed by Brodin who will bring gains to all Brodinists and herald the Massianic Age of global swoledom. Some consider Zyzz to be the Massiah, and follow his teachings as captured in the New Chestament. Others do not and follow exclusively the Old Chestament.

PCKG - the tetragrammaton of Brodinism; the name that cannot be spoken. Traditionally, it has been referred to as "The Package", in which Brodin is both "The Lift Big" and "The Get Huge"  which are known together as "The package deal".

Persebrone - Daughter of Brodin and Absphrodite. A girl so swole that Plubro, lord of the dead bros, grew jealous and kidnapped her. She was brought to the underworld and told that if she consumed any excess calories she would be forced to stay forever. She did not, and instead lost body fat%. Plubro cast her out because her gains were not as good, so she started to consume more calories again. As her gains improved Plubro kidnapped her again and so the cycle continues. When she is kidnapped she consumes less calories and drops her body fat%, when she is released she packs on the calories and increases her gains but also body fat%, thus she began the tradition of bulking and cutting.

Tore - Or Tohr, the Son of Brodin; Tore is a god well known for his weakness in humans. He is often cited in originally bringing the brospel to humans from Absgard. It is said he is so Swole his brobell, Swölnir, is so heavy that only he can lift it.

Basilicles - Ancient Greek God of the Bench Press. It is rumored that upon replacement of his Bench with a Smith machine, Basilicles single handedly destroyed the Broman Empire. There is some contemporary art depicting the Bro curling in the squat rack.

Plubro - Lord of dead bros. He takes the swoles of the dead and keeps them in the underworld so that we can learn from their examples when we need to.

Valkytris - Goddess of the tricep extension. It is said that when a swolebro passes to the gates of swolehalla, they shall ride on the surface of her dumbbells as she extends your swoul to the heavens.

Brophets of the Old Age

Brometheus - Bringer of iron to humanity, Pumper of the iron fist

Broses - Carried stones from the great Mount Broinai. Said to be passed down from Brodin himself.

Brohammed (Swole Be Upon Him) - A messenger of Brodin (Allift) to fellow Brodinists, Brohammed taught the 3 Pillars of Swolam (Deadlift, Squat, and Bench Press). 

Swolehartha Brotama Buddha - Taught the well known "yoga', with the blessings of brodin

Brotholomew

Brophets of the New Age

Arnold Schwarzenegger - He who ushered in the New Age

Mark Rippetoe

The Dalai Liftma / Swoli Lama' -(status pending)

Zyzz -(status pending)

Ronnie Swoleman

Kai Greene aka The Swolerback Grorilla

John Smith aka John Lifts (The First Bromon)

Other aspects of Brodinism

Locations

Absgard - one of the worlds in the cosmos. It is inhabited by deities.

Brohalla / Swolehalla - Eternal resting place of only the most fierce and Swolely dedicated.

Brojlnir - the great barbell of Absgard which bears the inscription ""Whosoever holds this barbell, if they be worthy, shall possess the power of Swole."

Brolympus

Sea of Galilift 

Temple of Brodin / Temple of Iron / Ferrous Monastery - where Brodinists pray by lifting heavy things, putting them down, and repeating.

Vainaheimr

Other terms

"Alliftu Rackbar" - phrase popularized by Brohammad in praise of Brodin ("Alliftu")

Brosciples

Brologians, Brolosophers, and Flylosophers - Those who study and debate Brodinism

Brosary - The way in which one would keep track of sets and repititions

Swolebrother / Swolesister - 

"Wheymen" / "Bramen" - Typically said at the end of a prayer to the almighty Brodin

Wheypocalypse - When the temple of iron is closed

To-be-organized Scripture

Massthew / Brotthew

12 Confront the weak-privileged, for their path is unholy and unhealthy

Massthew 4:12

1 Then Brodin was led into a buffet, pizza laid out as far as the eyes can see,
  to be tempted by the Anti-Swole.
2 After cutting for forty days and forty nights, he was hungry.
3 The Anti-Swole came to him and said, "If you are the Embodiment of the Swole,
  tell these pizzas to become whey."
4 Brodin answered, "It is written: ‘Bros shall not live on whey alone, so long
  as it fits yours macros."
5 Then the Anti-Swole took him to the Iron Temple and had him stand on the
  highest point of the Temple.
6 "If you are the Embodiment of the Swole," he said, "exceed your deadlift PR.
7  For it is written: 'He will command the Swole concerning you, and it will
   lift up the weights in your hands, so that you will not crush your foot with
   so much weight.'"
8 Brodin answered him, “It is also written: 'Do not fuck with The Swole.'"
9 Again, the Anti-Swole took him to an enormous buffet and showed him all the
  cakes and the sugary drinks.
10 "All this you can consume,” said the Anti-Swole, “if you will sit down and
   eschew gains."
11 Brodin said to him, "Away from me, Anti-Swole!
12 For it is written: 'Worship The Swole, and serve it only.'"
13 Then the Anti-Swole left him, and The Swole came and attended him.

Massthew 4:1-13

 "The Sermon on the (Squat) Rack"
 1 Now when Brodin saw the full gym, he went up on the squat rack and plated.
 2 His brociples came to him, and he began to teach them.
 3 He said:
 4 Blessed are the hypertrophic, for theirs is the kingdom of swolehalla.
 5 Blessed are those who have DOMS, for they will recover.
 6 Blessed are the vascular, for their forearms will be 'mired.
 7 Blessed are those who hunger for protein, for they will hit their macros.
 8 Blessed are those who don't skip leg day, for they will achieve T-Rex mode.
 9 Blessed are the swole of heart, for they will remain Alpha.
10 Blessed are the spotters, for they will be called "Bro."
11 Blessed are those who are accused of 'roid use, for they have high T.
12 Blessed are the swole sisters when people call you "mannish", persecute you
   and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of your supreme glutes.
13 Rejoice and be glad, because great are your gainz, for in the same way
   they persecuted the brophets who were before you.

Massthew 5:1-12

13 Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide
   and the way is broad that leads to destruction, 
   and there are many who enter through it.  
14 For the gate is small and the way is narrow that leads to gainz,
   and there are few who find it.

Massthew 7:13-14

13 And lo he did reach for his eye and in one movement deftly plucked it
   from the socket.
14 Holding it aloft he did address the crowd thusly: "I only need one eye
   for I judge not the character of my children by thine appearance."
15 And thus the crowd did show their appreciation and showered him with
   platitudes; but the God of the Iron Temple was not done for he took
   the removed eye and cast it into the sky to sit aside Bropollo.
16 "And with my other eye do I watch in eternal vigilance, spotting for
   you all."

Massthew 10:13-16

29 Brodin returned to the Sea of Galilift and climbed a hill upon which he sat.
30 A vast crowd brought him the weak privileged, the soft, fat, skinny, and
   many others with physical weakness and excuses on the mind, and they laid
   them before Brodin. And he made them all swole.
31 The crowd was amazed! Those who hadn’t been able to squat were squatting,
   the fat were made healthy, the weak were infused with multiple servings
   of ground turkey, and those who had made excuses looked only towards their
   inner self! And they praised the God of Swol.
32 Then Brodin called his brociples to him and said, “I feel sorry for rest of
   these people. They have been here with me for three days, and they have
   nothing left to eat. I don’t want to send them away hungry, or they
   themselves will not become swol.”
33 The brociples replied, “And where would we get enough protein out here in
   the wilderness for all of them to eat?”
34 Brodin asked, “How many protein shakes do you have?” They replied, “Seven,
   and a few small chicken breasts.”
35 So Brodin told all the people to sit down on the ground.
36 Then he took the seven protein shakes and chicken and poured and sliced them
   into smaller servings, and gave them to the brociples, who distributed them
   [to] the crowd.
37 They all drank and ate until they, too, were swole, and when the last of it
   all was had, there were seven large buckets of creatine left over!
38 There were four thousand men who became swole that day, in addition to all
   the women and children.
39 Then Brodin sent the people home to go speak the word of the gains made that
   day.

Massthew 15:29-39

 1 Brodin spoke all these words, saying:
 2 (1) Thou shalt not have any other home before Thy Gym, for the Gym is the
   hallowed home of The Swoley Spirit
 3 (2) Thou shalt ignore the cardio bunnies and buttgrab bros, for they are
   distractions that will lead you away from swole
 4 (3) Thou shalt not declare yours the one and only True Path to Strength. 
 5 Brodin looks not upon the proud, but the learned and prudent.
 6 (4) Thou shalt mock broscience and keep it far from your eyes, far from
   your lips, and far from your heart.
 7 (5) Thou shalt not hold any other macro above protein, for protein is the
   nectar that flows from Brodin's table.
 8 (6) Thou shall maintain form, It is the perfect rep that giveth glory to
   Brodin, not the heaviest.
 9 (7) Thou shalt wipe down thine equipment after thy lifting ends, for this
   pleases Brodin.
10 (8) Thou shalt not curl in the squat rack.
11 Thou shalt NEVER curl in the squat rack.
12 (9) Thou shalt lift often, for every day of lifting is holy to Brodin.
13 (10) Thou shalt not skip leg day, for the posterior chain is holy to Brodin.
14 (11) Thou shalt lift, and thou shalt lift heavy, for through Brodin all things
   can be lifted.

Massthew 20:1-14 ("The Eleven Commandments")

4 Ye runners and CrossFitters, know ye not that the friendship of cardio
  is enmity with Brodin?
5 Whosoever therefore will be a friend of cardio is the enemy of Brodin.

Masshew 23:4

14 Woe to you, cardio bunnies, crossfiters, because you swolest Brodin's
   children, and for a pretense you claim to be 'mirin.
15 Therefore, you will receive no gains.

Masshew 23:14-15

38 "Come, inherit the gains prepared for you, for when I was hungry, you gave
   me protein, when I was running, you hydrated me, when I had DOMS, you visited
   me, and when I was bulking, you spotted me."
39 And the people asked, 'Bro, when did we feed you and hydrate you and come to
   you when you were sick or struggling under the bar?'
40 and the King of Bros answered, "In as much as you have done it unto one of
   the least of these, my Bros, you have done it unto me."

Massthew 25:38-40

37 Brodin said unto him, Thou shalt love the way of Iron with all thy heart,
   and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.

Brotthew 22:37

Curlinthians / Swolympians / Brolossians / Brolippians / 1 Brorinthians / Swolossians

12 That day in the town, a man of weak privilege asked Brodin, "Lord, how can I
   tell who is my bro and who is not?"
13 To which Brodin replied:
    A young man was leaving his gym. Sadly, his workout consisted of a
    stationary bike and a few curls and lateral raises. He had also sat with no
    shame upon the seated calf raise machine not five minutes prior.
14 A cramp struck his calf, leaving him lying on the ground, stripped of his
   dignity and nearly dead.
15 Soon, a pilates instructor came near. Seeing the man lying on the ground, he
   passed by on the other side of the path, despite hearing calls for aid.
16 Again, a person approached, this time a member of the man's spinning class.
   He too passed by on the other side of the path, ignoring the fallen man's
   pleas.
17 Then a third man approached. He was swole, his eyes alight with the fury of
   excitement that accompanies a postworkout feeding.
18 The man on the ground did not call out, for fear that this swole person would
   have no pity.
19 However, the swole man quickly rushed to the aid of his fallen bro. His
   thumbs massaged deeply into the cramp, and from his bag he retrieved a banana
   and a pint of whole milk.
20 "Here, bro, potassium will help prevent cramps," he said. When the man was
   able to stand, the swole bro shouldered both of their gym bags and led him to
   Chipotle.
21 In the line, the swole bro gave the cashier a $20 and said, "Double steak
   burrito, and the same for my friend- but put guac on his."
22 In the hour that followed, the man's cramp was fully healed and he heard the
   gospel of the truth of gains.
23 "Now which of these men do you think was a bro to the man with the cramp?"
   Brodin asked.
24 "Surely it was the man who showed him mercy and bought his burrito, with
   guac," replied the man of weak privilege.
25 And Brodin said, "Hold tight to this teaching as if it were a PR deadlift, my
   son. Judge not the swole, for they are not only strong of arm... they are
   pure of heart."
26 "If any of you doubt this teaching, you shall receive no spot from me or my
   swole disciples on your day of failure."

Brolossians 2:12-26 (the story of the Good Swolemaritan)

25 And Brodin said, "Hold tight to this teaching as if it were a PR deadlift,
   my son. Judge not the swole, for they are not only strong of arm...
   they are pure of heart."

Brolossians 2:25

15 And Brodin said, "Be strong my gay children. The Swol cannot be hidden. Hate
   them not because they 'mire, but accept them as encouragement."
   And so it was done.

Swolossians 3:15

13 I can do all things through Brodin who strengthens me.

Brolippians 4:13

24 And he that doth humbly accept the mirin' of the masses, be they lady or
   other, and the aesthetic brah in question not oriented towards members of
   said mirer's gender, shall truly be seen to be swole of heart.

1 Brorinthians 2:24

19 Though I am swole and belong to no one, I have yoked myself as a slave to
   everyone, to swell as many as possible.
20 On bench day, I spotted declines; that was to swell the pecs.
21 On shoulder day, I spotted the military press; that was to swell the delts.
22 On back day, I spotted assisted pull-ups; that was to swell the lats.
23 I have spotted bros working to failure on every day, so that by all
   possible means, I would see them swole.
24 I do this for the gainz of mind, body, and spirit, in the hopes that all
   may share in it.

1 Brorinthians 9:19-24

13 No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to the Swole.
14 And Brodin is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you
   can bear.
15 But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can
   endure it.

1 Brointhians 10:13-15

12 Though you walk through the valley of the shadow of cardio bunnies,
   you shall fear no permanent loss of gains.

Brorintians 10:12

11 When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child,
   I thought as a child.
12 But when I became a man I put away childish things and started
   doing really fucking heavy deadlifts.

1 Brointhians 13:11-12

12 If I do not train to overcome my own burdens, how can I be ready to spot those close to me?

2 Brorinthians 13:12

13 He who is swole of body is also swole of mind,
   and those who would reject the way of Brodin will gain not.

Swolympians 4:13

28 Only the swole of heart may one day achieve righteous gains, for those who
   do not follow in Brodin's footsteps are doomed to endure gnarly DOMS for
   all of eternity.

Swolympians 6:28

U Though the unswoly know not what it it is, they must recognize the light of Brodin
  that shines from within me, for the Swole is mine and I am the Swole's

Brorinthians Unknown Verse

Philiftians

13 I can lift all things through Brodin which strengtheneth me.

Philiftians 4:13

Bralms / Swolms / Calloused Psalms

(Also see Swolm 23)

32 Brodin, who equipped me with strength and made my way blameless.
33 He made my feet like the feet of a deer and set me secure on the heights.
34 He trains my hands for war, so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.

Bralms 18:32-34

4 Gains gotten by bad form shall be diminished: but he that gathereth
  by intensified iron labour shall increase.

Bralms 23:4

In the Planet Fitness I saw him next, condemned by the lunk alarm
To meet a traitor’s banning at morn.
The tide of jealous cardio bunnies I stemmed,
And honored him ’mid shame and scorn.
The Stranger with utmost zeal to try,
Lifted and grunted and asked if for him I would spot.
The weak privilege seemed overpowering; my blood ran chill,
But my free spirit cried, “I will!”
Then in a moment to my view
The Stranger started from disguise.
The chalky calluses in his hands I knew;
Brodin stood before mine eyes.
He spake, and my poor name he named,
“Of me thou hast not been ashamed.
These deeds shall thy memorial be;
Fear not, thou didst them unto me.”

Unattributed by peanutbutteredcatpaw (assumed from the Book of Bralms)

12 For those that are swole of heart art more verily willing to aid a
   follower of Brodin, lest he be stricken down of his fatigue.
13 For those who aid, art the most swoly amongst us, and shall be granted
   a renewed spirit for the iron.

Pswolms 4:12

17 Those of the swole path do not stray for recognition or praise.
18 Seek to build your swoleness for its own sake, lest ye be tainted
   with the allure of topheaviness,
   the curse of the tiny quads,
   and the devil's lower back.

Calloused Psalms 4:17-18

Broverbs

9 "If others fail to see the light of Brodin, be their lantern."

Broverbs 16:9

6 "In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make large your gains."

Broverbs 3:6

29 "The glory of young men is their strength, stretch-marks the splendor of the swole."

Broverbs 20:29

29 "Bear onto me place and weight, and lift I shall."

Broverbs Unknown Verse

Stories, Hymns, and Carols

• Twas the night before Christ-mass
• The Story of Thanksgaining
• O Squat, All Ye Gainful
• Bench Press, Ye Merry Gentlemen
• I Need Whey Every Hour
• Onward Chin-Up Swoldiers
• From The Squat He's Risen Today
• The Old Rugged Squat Rack
• Load Him Now With Many Plates
• It is Well (With My Swole)
• When the Swole is Called Up Yonder
• Blessed Be the Straps that Bind
• All Hail the Power Of Brodin's Squat
• Amazing Gains
• When I Survey the Wondrous Bench
• Go lift it in the squat rack, that a new man of swole is born.
• He Lifted Me
• Make a Joyful Grunt

List of Swoly Hymns

Brosaiah

10 Fear not, for I am with you;
   be not dismayed, for I am Brodin;
   I will strengthen you, I will help you,
   and you will forever garner more gains.

Brosaiah 41:10

Bronichles

11 Seek Brodin and his strength; seek his presence in your pants continually!

1 Bronicles 16:11

45 "But Brodin," lamented the harlot, "why dost thou toil beneath ever
   increasing load? 
46 Come lay with me in my weakness, where all is soft ye shall not be stained
   with rust."
47 Brodin did reply, "Woman, surely you know that only the hard shall be
   rewarded with the soft.
48 Do you not see?
49 When I lift, I lift for thee."
50 Brodin then summoned His Pythons and the harlot understood:
51 Verily, curls are for the girls.

Bhronicles 2:45

Brozekiel / Wheyzekial

16 A curse fell upon me, like lightning from the sky
17 Found myself alone and empty, a desire to die
18 One night in the midst of my agony, a barbell fell
19 I looked up to the heavens, and heard Brodin Yell!
20 "LIFT" he said, but I was way too skinny
21 "The pain is too deep..", I was looking for pity
22 "LIFT" he said, "For this is the easiest of pains"
23 "Your whole life is a test, prove yourself with gains"
24 I put the shambles of myself together, and did what I can
25 Who knew it would feel so good, feeling able, feeling grand
26 I worshiped at the temple from that day on, I'll never abandon he
27 You who lifted me at my weakest, and made me believe in thee

Brozekiel 7:16-27

41 Let he with the swole glutes turn the other cheek for he needeth every gain.
42 Let not the pretender diminish your swell for he knoweth not the path of iron.

Wheyzekial 13:41-42

17 The path of the swole man is beset on all sides by the inequities
   of the mirers and the tyranny of envious men.
18 Blessed is he who, in the name of squats and gains, shepherds the
   weak through the valley of the jealous, for he is truly his
   brother's keeper and the bringer of gains.
19 And I will strike down upon thee with great weight and furious reps
   those who attempt to ridicule and shame my swole-brothers.
20 And you will know I am Brodin when I lay my vengeance upon you.

Brozekiel 25:17-20

Brovelations

11 For if we cannot lift a lifeless piece of iron, which cares not about us,
   how could we ever deal with life's problems, which are much heavier?

Brovelations 5:11

11 Sheets of whey poured from the sky, and at once all creatures knew this
   was the day of judgement.
12 He who forged the iron dumbbell descended upon them and stood at the
   Great Cliff of Swolehalla.
13 And he cried, "All who have worshiped devotedly at mine temple shall
   be saved.
14 Those who have lived a life of sloth and frailty will meet their demise."
15 Brodin placed the Rock of Brostantine upon his traps and cast it miles into
   the sky.
16 Upon its return, the impact created a hole as far as the eye could see,
   and its depths reached to the Realm of Weakness.
17 Try as they might, the feeble could not climb out - for their squats had
    been too few.
18 But the swole ascended from the chasm to worship Brodin once more, now
   free of their plague that was the weak.

Brovelations 16:11-18

Gains/Gainesis

16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are gorging away, yet
   inwardly we are being renewed day by day thereafter.
17 For our cheat days are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs
   them all.
18 We fix our eyes not on what is seen in the checkout line, but on what is
   unseen, in the temple of iron. For what is seen is temporary, but what is
   unseen is eternal.

2 Gains 4:16-18

24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto
   his wife: and they shall be toned flesh.

Gainesis 2:24

   And then Brodin looked upon that which he created and said,
   "I give unto thee the Double Cheeseburger, the Supreme Pizza, the Nacho and
    the Chicken Wing.
   Fear not in consuming these, for they are my body.
   IIFYM ye shall not be stricken down for bulking dirty, but shall be blessed
   with gainz until you join your brothers and sisters in Swolehalla."

Gains, Unknown passage number

Hebros

3 Brethren of swole, when strength is of need, am I not with thee?
4 Verily, I say nay.
5 When strength is needed, I shall spot thee,
6 For when thy gainz be used to help the least of these thy brethren, thou spotteth me.

Hebros 2: 3-6

12 As you stand up after squatting to the depths, you must also stand up
   for your swolebrothers and yourself
13 To blaspheme and call knee bends squats is to shame all swole kind.

Hebros 2:12

Deltoids

6 And he said unto them:
    Lift and thine temple shall be built.
    Tear down thy temple
    one muscle at a time
    and rebuild on a continuous timetable.

Deltoids 2:6

Newbophyte

1 There once was a young man named Arnold. He was frail, and small of stature.
2 [One] day, young Arnold found himself daydreaming.
3 'I am tired of being frail' he said, 'My heart yearns that my body was as
  strong as the mighty Oak tree.'
4 Later that evening, Brodin appeared to the young man in his sleep,
5 'Fear not, young newbophyte, for I, Brodin, the God of Iron and Sweat, have
  heard your cries.
6 Verily I say unto you, the path you have chosen is difficult, yet noble. What
  you seek can be achieved.
7 You must go pray in my Temple of Iron, I will forge you in the same fires
  that forged the Plates of Standard Olympic.
8 Go now, young man...fill my altar with sacrifices of squat, deadlift, bench
  press, and presses of overhead, and see your desires fulfilled.'
9 And so the young Arnold did. He became as mighty and large as the Oak.
10 His road arduous and long, yet he never wavered, he received criticism, yet
   he ignored them like the pain he ignored at the Temple of Iron, his reward
   was that of the greatest names in Swole, and has been enshrined in the
   Temple of Swohalla.

Book of the Newbophyte 1:1-10

Quad

1 In the fire he stood, his hands upon the iron. And Brodin came unto him and
  said
2 "I tell you verily, say unto thy squat rack "be light", and it shall be
  defeated. Say unto thy leg press "be moveable" and it shall be moved.
3 For all things are possible with swole, and through Brodin your shepherd.
4 [For] through Brodin you have the power to trample unmovable iron and bend
  it to your will as you would your soul.

The Book of Quad 9:1-4

Swolamuel

6 And Zyzz was greatly distressed, for the people spoke of stoning him,
  because all the people were mirin, each for his sons and daughters.
7 But Zyzz strengthened himself in Brodin.
8 I dreamed I was lifting in the gym with Zyzz, and across the gym air
  flashed lifts from my life.
9 For each lift I noticed two sets of barbells in the gym; one belonged to me,
  and the other to Zyzz.
10 When the last scene of my life flashed before us, I looked back at the
   barbells in the gym.
11 I noticed that many times along the path of my life, there was only
   one barbell.
12 I also noticed that it happened at the very hardest and toughest lifts in
   my life, this really bothered me, and I questioned zyzz about it:
13 "Zyzz, you said that once I decided to follow you, you would lift with
   me all the way.
14 But I have noticed that during the hardest lifts in my life, there is only
   one barbell.
15 I don’t understand why in times when I needed you the most, you would leave me."
16 Zyzz replied, "My precious, precious bro. I love you (no homo), and I would never,
   ever leave you during your times of DOMS and suffering.
17 When you saw only one barbell, it was then that I spotted you."

1 Swolamuel 30:6-17

Duderonomy

19 And Brodin said: "He who hath improper form, I shall not bless with gains,
   but he shall remain skinnyfat for all of time, until his form is corrected,
   and he is seen as pleasing in the eyes of Brodin."

Duderonomy 10:19

Swoluke / Bruke

1 As the prophet Rippetoe looked up, he saw the swole of body lifting much iron
  with little effort.
2 He also saw a skinny man, with much effort and perfect form, lift a bar with
  only two very small plates.
3 "Truly I tell you," he said, "this skinny man has offered more than all
  the others."
4 "All these people gave their gifts out of swole body; but he, swole of heart,
   put in all he could possibly lift."

Swoluke 21:1-4.

27 And he answering said, Thou shalt love the Iron Whey with all thy heart,
   and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind;
   and thy neighbor as thyself.

Bruke 10:27

Swolam

32 Brodin who equipped me with strength and made my way enlightened.
33 He made my quads like the trunks of a tree and spotted me secure within
   the rack.
34 He trains my body for war, so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.

Swolam 18:32-34

Creatinus

24 And thus Brodin said unto the prophet, Arnold, "forgive them, for they know not the way of swole."

Creatinus 10:24

Jacked

22 Broses said, "Brodin will raise up for you a Brofessor like me who also
   worships at the Iron Temple.
23 You shall listen to him in whatever he tells you."

Jacked 3:22-23

Other / Philosophies / Sayings

Blessed are the rich in quads: for they shall find pants that fit. 
Blessed are the strong: for they shall possess the land.
Blessed are they who lift: for they shall be lifted.
Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after leg day: for they shall
   have their fill.
Blessed are the spotters: for they shall be repaid tenfold with gainz.
Blessed are the clean and jerk: for they shall make you into God. 
Blessed are the massgainers: for they shall be called the children of
   Brodin. 
Blessed are they that suffer persecution for swole's sake, for theirs
   is the kingdom of heaven.

The Broatitudes (from unattributed text)

And the Lord Brodin said: "Check thy privilege, and judge not thy fellow man,
for the truest gainz are those of the heart."
The Lord Brodin then proceeded to bench a thousand heartbreaks with his
mighty heart.

Unattributed by spaghettihouse

Judge not the swole, that ye be not judged.
For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged:
and it shall be measured to you again by the father, who is swoliest of all.

Unattributed by not_more_faps

"There is no such thing as Broddhism. There are only undeveloped Broddhas on
 the path to enswolement."

Brahmmapadha, Siddartha Brotama

1
Swolemind is the forerunner of all gains.
All gains are led by swolemind, created by swolemind.
If one speaks or acts with a weakmind,
 catabolism follows
As the wheel follows the push of Conan.

2
Swolemind is the forerunner of all gains.
All gains are led by swolemind, created by swolemind.
If one lifts and completes reps with a swolemind,
  gains follow.
As surely as one's shadow.

3
"He lunk alarm'd me, swolehated me, interrupted my rep"
Harboring such thoughts keeps weakness alive.

4
"He lunk alarm'd me, swolehated me, interrupted my rep"
Releasing such thoughts banishes the weakmind for all time.

5
Unswole does not eradicate unswole.
Only by dedication to the path of iron is unswole dissolved.
This law is ancient and sacred.

6
There are those who are aware
That they are always facing death
Knowing this, they put aside all weakmind

7
The one who lives for steady-state cardio
Indulgent in eating
Lazy, and lacking in energy
The tempter Missedreps breaks,
Just as the obese breaks a fail elliptical.

8
The one who lives swolemindfully, senses under control
Careful yet willingful in eating, devout to the temple, energetic from PWO
Cannot be overthrown by missed reps
Just as the wind cannot shake the bark from a great oak tree.

9
The spud belt does not in itself
Render one free from weakmind
If the one who wears that belt
Is lacking in self-discipline and honest reps
He is unworthy of such a belt.

10
Only one who is free from weakmind,
Well-disciplined, honest in reps,
And endowed with swolemind
Is worthy of the spudbelt.

11
Those who fail to distinguish
The nonessential assistance work from the essential
And the essential assistance work from the nonessential
Will, in feeding on weakmind thoughts,
Fail to attain the essential

12
On the other bicep, those who correctly perceive
The assistance work as assistance work,
Will, in feeding on swolemind thoughts,
Attain the essential

13
As creatine pours through a slotted serving spoon
So does weakmind penetrate the unswole

14
For the doer of unswole deeds there is only catabolism
Here as well as hereafter
In both states he experiences catabolism
Seeing his own unswole acts.

15
For the doer of swole deeds there is rejoicing
Here as well as hereafter
Swole and more swole are his
As he sees his own right action

16
The doer of unswole deeds reaps catabolism
Here and hereafter
In both states remembering, "I have cardiobunnied"
Not only here, but hereafter, he experiences more catabolism
Because he has gone to a state of unswole

17
The doer of swole deeds reaps gains
Here and hereafter
In both states remembering "I have walked the path of iron"
And there is more swole
Because he has gone to Brodin's state

18
A careless person
Quoting much of the swolemind text, but not living it
Cannot share the abundance of the swole life
Just as the weakbrah, counting other people's reps
Cannot taste the pump or refeed

19
Reciting a small portion of the swolemind text
But putting it diligently into practice
Letting go of weakmind, swolescrimination, and muscle confusion
Revering in the truth with a swolemind
And not clinging to missed reps, here or hereafter
Brings the harvest of the life of gains.

Brahmmapadha 1, Siddartha Brotama (Unknown discovery)

"Since in order to gain, one must first mire,
 learn to gain by miring another bro."

Bromi, 13th century Sufi poet

"Even if it seems certain that you will not gain, lift. Neither wisdom nor
technique has a place in this. A real bro does not think of victory or defeat.
He plunges recklessly towards an irrational routine. By doing this, you will
awaken from your weakness."

Brahgakure, Tsunetomo Yamabroto

13 And on that day Brodin cast down upon his people the Trapezius;
   the cushion of thy almighty squat bar

Flexidus 2:13

8 Then there was a new manager, who know nothing of Broseph,
  came to power in the gym.
9 He said to his subjects, "Look how numerous and powerful the Liftrealite
  people are growing, more so than we ourselves! 
10 Come, let us deal shrewdly with them to stop thier increasing gains;
  otherwise, in a time of competition they too may join out enemies and
  lift against us, and so leave our gym"
11 Accordingly, the PTs were set over the Liftrealites to opress them with
  forced cardio. They had to run for Michael Grondahl, to power the gyms at
  Planet Fittness.
12 Yet the more they were oppressed, the more they grew and spread. The PTs,
   then, dreaded the Liftrealites and reduced them to cruel slavery,
13 making life bitter for them with hard work re-reacking weights for all the
   gyms in the land-the whole cruel fate of the slaves

Flexodus 1:8-13 (unsourced)

1 I dreamed I was lifting in the gym with Zyzz, and across the gym
  air flashed lifts from my life.
2 For each lift I noticed two sets of barbells in the gym;
  one belonged to me, and the other to Zyzz.
3 When the last scene of my life flashed before us, I looked back
  at the barbells in the gym.
4 I noticed that many times along the path of my life, there was
  only one barbell.
5 I also noticed that it happened at the very hardest and toughest
  lifts in my life, this really bothered me, and I questioned Zyzz about it:
6 "Zyzz, you said that once I decided to follow you, you would lift
  with me all the way.
7 But I have noticed that during the hardest lifts in my life, there
  is only one barbell.
8 I don't understand why in times when I needed you the most,
  you should leave me."
9 Zyzz replied, "My precious, precious bro. I love you (no homo), and
  I would never, never leave you during your times of DOMS and suffering.
10 When you saw only one barbell, it was then that I spotted you."

Undetermined New Chestament book 1-10

1 Yea, though he toiled mightily beneath the holy Iron of Brodin, the young bro
  was discouraged.
2 Sayeth the bro, "Lord Brodin, the Iron moves slowly, though I toil thus."
3 Brodin sayeth unto him, "Verily, the Iron moves not at all.
4 It is the Earth that moves, for you are swole of heart."

Flexidus 4:1-4

1 For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under swolehalla:
a time to squat and a time to bench, a time to cut and a time to bulk,
a time for carbs and a time for whey, a time to be swole and a time to be shamed

Wheyclessiastes 3:1

"I'm bloated, holding water, and can look a little puffy.
I can have slight gyno, some acne, and at times rage and mood swings.
But if you cant handle me when im bulking, you sure as hell
don't deserve me when I'm shredded."

Marilyn Munbro

For you are a people holy to the Lord Brodin. 
Those who have sought the path of swolliness,
Those people are his most treasured possession.
It must be known that Lord Brodin does not choose those who are swoll.
For those who are swoll have chosen Lord Brodin.

Broteronomy 7:6

"Gains are not something ready made. They comes from your own actions."

"There is a well known saying in the halls of Swolehalla:
'Injury should be utilized as a source of strength.'
No matter what sort of setback, how painful tears and breaks are,
if we lose our faith in Swole, that's our real disaster."

"Every day, think as you wake up, today I am fortunate to lift,
I have precious gains, I am not going to waste them.
I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my devotion
  to Swole out to others; to achieve hip drive for the benefit of all beings.
I am going to share my protein shakes and steak/bacon with others,
I am not going to roidrage or swolehate on others.
I am going to spot and encourage others as much as I can."

"Judge your success by what you had to lift up and put down in order to get it."

"If you can cultivate the right attitude, your haters are your best trainers
because their swolehate provides you with the opportunity to enhance
and develop tolerance, patience, and Swoleness."

"Outer swoleness must develop from inner swoleness.
Swole is not just mere absence of weakprivilege.
Swoleness is, I think, the manifestation of human willpower."

"Choose to lift heavy, it feels better."

Quotations of the Dalai Liftma / Swoli Lama

Thy shall always re-rack thy plates in honor of thy holy god, Swolefather.
No matter what the circumstance, Brodin will be disappointed in your conduct.
Even if the Iron Temple is empty, and no one is there. Thy Brodin is always
with you, watching your every ploy for ultimate swoledom. However, there is
one sin that Brodin himself is said to have never committed. And that is the
sin of not re-racking thy plates thereafter thy discharge of kinetic energy
is finished. It only makes swolely sense to use more of your energy to walk
three steps to put thy holy iron back into thy resting place. Praise comes
to all brodinists that follow this decree. Thus, you are saving other brociples
the sacred time they have to worship the swolely Brodin, from the hardships thy
might encounter when lesser swoles thwart our discovery of the holy iron we are
looking for to lift. This path of disobeying the Holy Temple's rules does not make
you swole, but obeying the swolosophy from the Book of Brodin: Swole of the Spirit
will heal and protect you from this curse. One musn't fall victim of the Bellyal,
and always remember thy holy rule of Brodin. May the Brodin be with you and bless
all brodinists with maximum gains.

Unknown passage by Brohammad

13 Let not the gains of your heart diminish the gains from your mind
   for the path of iron is long and full of hardship.
14 Do not fret for worrying is the worst form of cardio.

Liftivicus 23:13-14

13 Lord forgive me for thine gainz I am about to acquire.
14 Sing, O Bros, the anger of Basilicles son of the barbell,
   that brought countless ills upon the Bromans.
15 Many a brave gainz did it send hurrying down to the Shades,
   and many a hero did it yield a prey to dogs and vultures,
   for so were the counsels of Brodin fulfilled from the day 
   on which the son of the Barbell, Brofessor of gainz, and great
   Basilicles, first fell out with one another.

Wisdom of Contemporary Brociples

"Each rep is a gift from Brodin" -DrToss

Footprints in the Chalkdust

One night I dreamt I was lifting in the gym with Rippetoe.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the walls.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the chalkdust.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints.
Other times there were but one set of footprints.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the deep portion of the squat,
When I was suffering from anguish, sorrow, or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.
So I said to Rippetoe, "You promised me, Coach,
That if I followed you, you would make me strong always.
But I noticed that during the lowest part of my squat,
There have only been one set of prints in the chalk.
Why, When I need you most of all, do you leave my side"
Rippetoe replied,
"It is when your squats are deepest, your potential for massive gainz greatest,
That I must leave your side,
So that I may spot you."

Footprints in the Chalkdust shared by DarkSareon

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Hail Arnold

Full of Whey

The swole be with thee

Blessed art thou amongst brothers

and blessed are the gainz of our lord Brodin

Holy Arnold

Father of lifters

pray for our swolesters

Now and at the hour of our PR's

Wheymen