Welcome to the Book of Brodin WikiEdit
A collection of works of the Swolefather, Brodin, Broseidon, Bropollo, Brosiris, and his brophets into a Brodinist-editable form such that it may please the Swolefather.
The Book of Brodin welcomes your contributions and seeks assistance of volunteer editors to maintain this great work.
- Additions are welcome. Put new scripture in "To-be-organized Scripture"
- Changes to existing text must meet a high standard or it will be undone. If you aren't sure, suggest your change on the "Talk" page.
Brodin resides within and without but without what? The answer is found in Core-inthians chapter 7 which reads "thus Brodin liveth without the temple to commune as one with Joel's mom.
The Book of Brodin OverviewEdit
A collection of the works of the Swole Gods from the holy land of Abshard, to spread the swolosophy of Brodinism. A disciple of Brodin shall always adhere to and practice the holy tri-cepts of the Swole, also known as The Swoley Trinity:
- Swole of Body
- Swole of Spirit
- Swole of Mind
Brodin gifts us with the Swole of the Body when we worship him at the Iron Temples and present penance of the plates. But he only gifts the Swole to those that believe in the Swole. It is thus necessary to maintain the Swole of the Spirit; the constant and unwavering desire to improve ourselves in the eyes of Brodin.
However, the Swole of the Body and the swole of Spirit may lead us to become corrupted and fall from the grace of Brodin. Bellyal desires for us to abuse Brodin's gifts and become muscle-bound idiots, uneducated heathens that lose sight of the essence of the Swole. It is necessary to practice the Swole of the Mind to prevent ourselves from falling from the grace of Brodin by succumbing to the plague of corrupted Swole and becoming a member of Bellyal's Mindless Swole.
It is believed that the transcendence into Swolehalla occurs at approximately 6% body fat and 23½ swoles/second.
Go forth my brethren and may Brodin bless you in your journey to ultimate Swole.
The Old Chestament (a.k.a the Swolespiel / the Brobel / Gospel of Swole)Edit
The Old Chestament is the collection of writings that form the fundamental tenets of Brodinism. It is filled with wisdom, advice, encouragement, and stories revolving around Brodin, Brophets, and other deities. Many books have been lost to time, but they will be found again.
Song of Swoleoman
- Bromaster, also known as the Personal Trainer. The great prophet of Brodinism who compels all of the devout to remain true to the weights through eternal repetition.
- Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the name of Bromaster, our Personal Trainer, for deliverance through repetition. Let us weigh.
- Brobadiah - prophet of the one rep max.
To Be sorted:Edit
- Brolossians / Brolippians / 1 Brorinthians / Swolossians
- Bralms / Swolms (including the famous Swolm 23 )
- Repelations (Revelations)
- The Book of Shrugs
- The Holy Barbell
- Traps of the Apostles
- Hymns ("Swoly Hymns")
PROPHETS DEITIES GODS and LORE FIGURES
- Brodin (Allspotter, Champion of gainz)
- Saint Arnold
- Gainz Goblin (SHOO SHOO)
- Cardio Bunny
The Book of Broses - the leading of the faithful to the land of Muscle Milk and Honeys
Bro te Ching
The New Chestament (a/k/a the New Swolespel / the Brobel / Gospel of Swole)Edit
The New Chestament is the collection of writings and stories revolving around Zyzz and Zyzz's philosophies. Some Brodinists consider it sacred scripture, while others do not.
The Gospel of Mark
Epistle to the Bromans
Epistle to the Hebros
Deities of BrodinismEdit
Brodin - All father of swole
- Other names for Brodin: The Swolefather, The Swoley Spirit, The Deity of Deadlifts, The Prince of the Press, The King of the Clean, Brahweh, Elbrohim, Swolord, Massiah, Immassuel, Allift, Jehbrovah, The All-Spotter; Wonderful Lifter, Almighty Squatter, Ancient of Swole, El-Gainbor, Son of Swole, King of the Lifters, Brodin of Swolezereth, Son of Arnold
Bropollo, Apobro - Brother of Brodin, the watchful eye who spots
Broddha - Also known as Brodhisattva, the Enliftened one. It is said that The Broddha was born into a life of small stature though a cruel fate giving him a full ectomorph's body. He is said to have consumed 7000 calories a day of protein and squatted heavy for 28 days straight, giving him a great 'Awakening to the Iron Path'. Those who follow Broddhism follow the teachings of the 4 Noble Lifts (Squat, Bench, Deadlift, Press).
Brocarus aka sickarus - He juiced so hard the he was able to spread his lats and fly higher and higher till he got too close to the sun and the brotein which bound his swolley form together melted and the great Brocarus fell into the sea.
Broseidon - Lord of the Brocean, keeper of protein shake seas. He who has achieved ultimate conditioning.
Brosiris - God of rest days and gains
Broki - Trickster god, decieves the unwary and uninformed and leads them down the path of illusionary swole and false gains. Can also be known as Tiggly the Trickster. Tempter of cardio, wearer of lycra, destroyer of gainz.
Absphrodite, Aphbrodite - Goddess of love, appreciation and brocreation of gains and swole
Brah - the Egyptian who powerlifts the sun through the day
Massiah - a leader anointed by Brodin who will bring gains to all Brodinists and herald the Massianic Age of global swoledom. Some consider Zyzz to be the Massiah, and follow his teachings as captured in the New Chestament. Others do not and follow exclusively the Old Chestament.
PCKG - the tetragrammaton of Brodinism; the name that cannot be spoken. Traditionally, it has been referred to as "The Package", in which Brodin is both "The Lift Big" and "The Get Huge" which are known together as "The package deal".
Persebrone - Daughter of Brodin and Absphrodite. A girl so swole that Plubro, lord of the dead bros, grew jealous and kidnapped her. She was brought to the underworld and told that if she consumed any excess calories she would be forced to stay forever. She did not, and instead lost body fat%. Plubro cast her out because her gains were not as good, so she started to consume more calories again. As her gains improved Plubro kidnapped her again and so the cycle continues. When she is kidnapped she consumes less calories and drops her body fat%, when she is released she packs on the calories and increases her gains but also body fat%, thus she began the tradition of bulking and cutting.
Tore - Or Tohr, the Son of Brodin; Tore is a god well known for his weakness in humans. He is often cited in originally bringing the brospel to humans from Absgard. It is said he is so Swole his brobell, Swölnir, is so heavy that only he can lift it.
Basilicles - Ancient Greek God of the Bench Press. It is rumored that upon replacement of his Bench with a Smith machine, Basilicles single handedly destroyed the Broman Empire. There is some contemporary art depicting the Bro curling in the squat rack.
Plubro - Lord of dead bros. He takes the swoles of the dead and keeps them in the underworld so that we can learn from their examples when we need to.
Valkytris - Goddess of the tricep extension. It is said that when a swolebro passes to the gates of swolehalla, they shall ride on the surface of her dumbbells as she extends your swoul to the heavens.
Brophets of the Old Age Edit
Brometheus - Bringer of iron to humanity, Pumper of the iron fist
Broses - Carried stones from the great Mount Broinai. Said to be passed down from Brodin himself.
Brohammed (Swole Be Upon Him) - A messenger of Brodin (Allift) to fellow Brodinists, Brohammed taught the 3 Pillars of Swolam (Deadlift, Squat, and Bench Press).
Swolehartha Brotama Buddha - Taught the well known "yoga', with the blessings of brodin
Brophets of the New Age Edit
Arnold Schwarzenegger - He who ushered in the New Age
The Dalai Brahma / Swoli Lama -(status pending)
Zyzz - father of aesthetics
Kai Greene aka The Swolerback Gorilla
John Smith aka John Lifts (The First Bromon)
Henry "The Iron" Brollins -(status pending)
Dom Mazzetti aka The Brofessor
Other aspects of BrodinismEdit
Absgard - one of the worlds in the cosmos. It is inhabited by deities.
Brohalla / Swolehalla - Eternal resting place of only the most fierce and Swolely dedicated.
Brojlnir - the great barbell of Absgard which bears the inscription ""Whosoever holds this barbell, if they be worthy, shall possess the power of Swole."
Sea of Galilift
Temple of Brodin / Temple of Iron / Ferrous Monastery - where Brodinists pray by lifting heavy things, putting them down, and repeating.
"Alliftu Rackbar" - phrase popularized by Brohammad in praise of Brodin ("Alliftu")
Brologians, Brolosophers, and Flylosophers - Those who study and debate Brodinism
Brosary - The way in which one would keep track of sets and repititions
Swolebrother / Swolesister -
The Last Super(set)
"Wheymen" / "Bramen" - Typically said at the end of a prayer to the almighty Brodin
Wheypocalypse - When the temple of iron is closed
Brovana - a state of perfect balance in which one should neither loose swoleness nor seek further gains - the optimal state of physique told of in the Old Chestament.
Massthew / BrotthewEdit
You have heard it said, “what goes up must come down”, but I sayeth unto you, what goes down WILL COME UP, that you may be blessed by the Swolefather with gains. For Brodin sends gravity on the swole and the unswole alike. But if you allow it to dictate your lifts, what gains shall you reap? You are no different from the followers of Broki. Instead grasp the heavy iron and thank the Allspotter in Swolehalla for his gift of gravity to make you strong, then ignore it.
12 Confront the weak-privileged, for their path is unholy and unhealthy
1 Then Brodin was led into a buffet, pizza laid out as far as the eyes can see, to be tempted by the Anti-Swole. 2 After cutting for forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. 3 The Anti-Swole came to him and said, "If you are the Embodiment of the Swole, tell these pizzas to become whey." 4 Brodin answered, "It is written: ‘Bros shall not live on whey alone, so long as it fits yours macros." 5 Then the Anti-Swole took him to the Iron Temple and had him stand on the highest point of the Temple. 6 "If you are the Embodiment of the Swole," he said, "exceed your deadlift PR. 7 For it is written: 'He will command the Swole concerning you, and it will lift up the weights in your hands, so that you will not crush your foot with so much weight.'" 8 Brodin answered him, “It is also written: 'Do not fuck with The Swole.'" 9 Again, the Anti-Swole took him to an enormous buffet and showed him all the cakes and the sugary drinks. 10 "All this you can consume,” said the Anti-Swole, “if you will sit down and eschew gains." 11 Brodin said to him, "Away from me, Anti-Swole! 12 For it is written: 'Worship The Swole, and serve it only.'" 13 Then the Anti-Swole left him, and The Swole came and attended him.
"The Sermon on the (Squat) Rack" 1 Now when Brodin saw the full gym, he went up on the squat rack and plated. 2 His brociples came to him, and he began to teach them. 3 He said: 4 Blessed are the hypertrophic, for theirs is the kingdom of swolehalla. 5 Blessed are those who have DOMS, for they will recover. 6 Blessed are the vascular, for their forearms will be 'mired. 7 Blessed are those who hunger for protein, for they will hit their macros. 8 Blessed are those who don't skip leg day, for they will achieve T-Rex mode. 9 Blessed are the swole of heart, for they will remain Alpha. 10 Blessed are the spotters, for they will be called "Bro." 11 Blessed are those who are accused of 'roid use, for they have high T. 12 Blessed are the swole sisters when people call you "mannish", persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of your supreme glutes. 13 Rejoice and be glad, because great are your gainz, for in the same way they persecuted the brophets who were before you.
25 Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your lifts, what you will eat or drink 26 or about your gainz, nor about what you will wear and whether thy clothes will fit you. 27 Look at the birds of the air; they do not lift or drink whey or spin yarn yet your heavenly all-spotter blesses them with gainz. 28 Are you not much more valuable than they? 29 Can any one of you by worrying add a gram to your barbell?
13 Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it. 14 For the gate is small and the way is narrow that leads to gainz, and there are few who find it.
13 And lo he did reach for his eye and in one movement deftly plucked it from the socket. 14 Holding it aloft he did address the crowd thusly: "I only need one eye for I judge not the character of my children by thine appearance." 15 And thus the crowd did show their appreciation and showered him with platitudes; but the God of the Iron Temple was not done for he took the removed eye and cast it into the sky to sit aside Bropollo. 16 "And with my other eye do I watch in eternal vigilance, spotting for you all."
29 Brodin returned to the Sea of Galilift and climbed a hill upon which he sat. 30 A vast crowd brought him the weak privileged, the soft, fat, skinny, and many others with physical weakness and excuses on the mind, and they laid them before Brodin. And he made them all swole. 31 The crowd was amazed! Those who hadn’t been able to squat were squatting, the fat were made healthy, the weak were infused with multiple servings of ground turkey, and those who had made excuses looked only towards their inner self! And they praised the God of Swol. 32 Then Brodin called his brociples to him and said, “I feel sorry for rest of these people. They have been here with me for three days, and they have nothing left to eat. I don’t want to send them away hungry, or they themselves will not become swol.” 33 The brociples replied, “And where would we get enough protein out here in the wilderness for all of them to eat?” 34 Brodin asked, “How many protein shakes do you have?” They replied, “Seven, and a few small chicken breasts.” 35 So Brodin told all the people to sit down on the ground. 36 Then he took the seven protein shakes and chicken and poured and sliced them into smaller servings, and gave them to the brociples, who distributed them [to] the crowd. 37 They all drank and ate until they, too, were swole, and when the last of it all was had, there were seven large buckets of creatine left over! 38 There were four thousand men who became swole that day, in addition to all the women and children. 39 Then Brodin sent the people home to go speak the word of the gains made that day.
14 Let the little children lift with me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of Brodin belongs to such as these.
1 Brodin spoke all these words, saying: 2 (1) Thou shalt not have any other home before Thy Gym, for the Gym is the hallowed home of The Swoley Spirit 3 (2) Thou shalt ignore the cardio bunnies and buttgrab bros, for they are distractions that will lead you away from swole 4 (3) Thou shalt not declare yours the one and only True Path to Strength. 5 Brodin looks not upon the proud, but the learned and prudent. 6 (4) Thou shalt mock broscience and keep it far from your eyes, far from your lips, and far from your heart. 7 (5) Thou shalt not hold any other macro above protein, for protein is the nectar that flows from Brodin's table. 8 (6) Thou shall maintain form, It is the perfect rep that giveth glory to Brodin, not the heaviest. 9 (7) Thou shalt wipe down thine equipment after thy lifting ends, for this pleases Brodin. 10 (8) Thou shalt not curl in the squat rack. 11 Thou shalt NEVER curl in the squat rack. 12 (9) Thou shalt lift often, for every day of lifting is holy to Brodin. 13 (10) Thou shalt not skip leg day, for the posterior chain is holy to Brodin. 14 (11) Thou shalt lift, and thou shalt lift heavy, for through Brodin all things can be lifted.
Massthew 20:1-14 ("The Eleven Commandments")
4 Ye runners and CrossFitters, know ye not that the friendship of cardio is enmity with Brodin? 5 Whosoever therefore will be a friend of cardio is the enemy of Brodin.
14 Woe to you, cardio bunnies, crossfiters, because you swolest Brodin's children, and for a pretense you claim to be 'mirin. 15 Therefore, you will receive no gains.
38 "Come, inherit the gains prepared for you, for when I was hungry, you gave me protein, when I was running, you hydrated me, when I had DOMS, you visited me, and when I was bulking, you spotted me." 39 And the people asked, 'Bro, when did we feed you and hydrate you and come to you when you were sick or struggling under the bar?' 40 and the King of Bros answered, "In as much as you have done it unto one of the least of these, my Bros, you have done it unto me."
37 Brodin said unto him, Thou shalt love the way of Iron with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.
Curlinthians / Swolympians / Brolossians / Brolippians / 1 Brorinthians / SwolossiansEdit
12 That day in the town, a man of weak privilege asked Brodin, "Lord, how can I tell who is my bro and who is not?" 13 To which Brodin replied: A young man was leaving his gym. Sadly, his workout consisted of a stationary bike and a few curls and lateral raises. He had also sat with no shame upon the seated calf raise machine not five minutes prior. 14 A cramp struck his calf, leaving him lying on the ground, stripped of his dignity and nearly dead. 15 Soon, a pilates instructor came near. Seeing the man lying on the ground, he passed by on the other side of the path, despite hearing calls for aid. 16 Again, a person approached, this time a member of the man's spinning class. He too passed by on the other side of the path, ignoring the fallen man's pleas. 17 Then a third man approached. He was swole, his eyes alight with the fury of excitement that accompanies a postworkout feeding. 18 The man on the ground did not call out, for fear that this swole person would have no pity. 19 However, the swole man quickly rushed to the aid of his fallen bro. His thumbs massaged deeply into the cramp, and from his bag he retrieved a banana and a pint of whole milk. 20 "Here, bro, potassium will help prevent cramps," he said. When the man was able to stand, the swole bro shouldered both of their gym bags and led him to Chipotle. 21 In the line, the swole bro gave the cashier a $20 and said, "Double steak burrito, and the same for my friend- but put guac on his." 22 In the hour that followed, the man's cramp was fully healed and he heard the gospel of the truth of gains. 23 "Now which of these men do you think was a bro to the man with the cramp?" Brodin asked. 24 "Surely it was the man who showed him mercy and bought his burrito, with guac," replied the man of weak privilege. 25 And Brodin said, "Hold tight to this teaching as if it were a PR deadlift, my son. Judge not the swole, for they are not only strong of arm... they are pure of heart." 26 "If any of you doubt this teaching, you shall receive no spot from me or my swole disciples on your day of failure."
Brolossians 2:12-26 (the story of the Good Swolemaritan)
25 And Brodin said, "Hold tight to this teaching as if it were a PR deadlift, my son. Judge not the swole, for they are not only strong of arm... they are pure of heart."
15 And Brodin said, "Be strong my gay children. The Swol cannot be hidden. Hate them not because they 'mire, but accept them as encouragement." And so it was done.
13 I can do all things through Brodin who strengthens me.
24 And he that doth humbly accept the mirin' of the masses, be they lady or other, and the aesthetic brah in question not oriented towards members of said mirer's gender, shall truly be seen to be swole of heart.
19 Though I am swole and belong to no one, I have yoked myself as a slave to everyone, to swell as many as possible. 20 On bench day, I spotted declines; that was to swell the pecs. 21 On shoulder day, I spotted the military press; that was to swell the delts. 22 On back day, I spotted assisted pull-ups; that was to swell the lats. 23 I have spotted bros working to failure on every day, so that by all possible means, I would see them swole. 24 I do this for the gainz of mind, body, and spirit, in the hopes that all may share in it.
13 No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to the Swole. 14 And Brodin is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. 15 But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.
12 Though you walk through the valley of the shadow of cardio bunnies, you shall fear no permanent loss of gains.
11 When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child. 12 But when I became a man I put away childish things and started doing really fucking heavy deadlifts.
12 If I do not train to overcome my own burdens, how can I be ready to spot those close to me?
13 He who is swole of body is also swole of mind, and those who would reject the way of Brodin will gain not.
28 Only the swole of heart may one day achieve righteous gains, for those who do not follow in Brodin's footsteps are doomed to endure gnarly DOMS for all of eternity.
U Though the unswoly know not what it it is, they must recognize the light of Brodin that shines from within me, for the Swole is mine and I am the Swole's
13 I can lift all things through Brodin who strengthens me.
Bralms / Swolms / Calloused PsalmsEdit
(Also see Swolm 23)
32 Brodin, who equipped me with strength and made my way blameless. 33 He made my feet like the feet of a deer and set me secure on the heights. 34 He trains my hands for war, so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
4 Gains gotten by bad form shall be diminished: but he that gathereth by intensified iron labour shall increase.
In the Planet Fitness I saw him next, condemned by the lunk alarm To meet a traitor’s banning at morn. The tide of jealous cardio bunnies I stemmed, And honored him ’mid shame and scorn. The Stranger with utmost zeal to try, Lifted and grunted and asked if for him I would spot. The weak privilege seemed overpowering; my blood ran chill, But my free spirit cried, “I will!” Then in a moment to my view The Stranger started from disguise. The chalky calluses in his hands I knew; Brodin stood before mine eyes. He spake, and my poor name he named, “Of me thou hast not been ashamed. These deeds shall thy memorial be; Fear not, thou didst them unto me.”
Unattributed by peanutbutteredcatpaw (assumed from the Book of Bralms)
12 For those that are swole of heart art more verily willing to aid a follower of Brodin, lest he be stricken down of his fatigue. 13 For those who aid, art the most swoly amongst us, and shall be granted a renewed spirit for the iron.
17 Those of the swole path do not stray for recognition or praise. 18 Seek to build your swoleness for its own sake, lest ye be tainted with the allure of topheaviness, the curse of the tiny quads, and the devil's lower back.
7 "The fear of the barbell is the beginning of lifting, but the weak despise lifting and exertion."
9 "If others fail to see the light of Brodin, be their lantern."
6 "In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make large your gains."
5 Trust in Brodin with all your strength, and lift not with your own strength, in all your gainz acknowledge him and he will direct your lifts
23 All hard lifting leads to gainz, but the talk of the lips leads to losses
29 "The glory of young men is their strength, stretch-marks the splendor of the swole."
29 "Bear onto me place and weight, and lift I shall."
Broverbs Unknown Verse
Stories, Hymns, and CarolsEdit
- Twas the night before Christ-mass
- The Story of Thanksgaining
- O Squat, All Ye Gainful
- Bench Press, Ye Merry Gentlemen
- I Need Whey Every Hour
- Onward Chin-Up Swoldiers
- From The Squat He's Risen Today
- The Old Rugged Squat Rack
- Load Him Now With Many Plates
- It is Well (With My Swole)
- When the Swole is Called Up Yonder
- Blessed Be the Straps that Bind
- All Hail the Power Of Brodin's Squat
- Amazing Gains
- When I Survey the Wondrous Bench
- Go lift it in the squat rack, that a new man of swole is born.
- He Lifted Me
- Make a Joyful Grunt
10 Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am Brodin; I will strengthen you, I will help you, and you will forever garner more gains.
11 Seek Brodin and his strength; seek his presence in your muscle shirt continually!
Brodin- So i say to you, Ask and routines will be given to you, train, and you will gain; gain, and the door of Swole will be opened for you.
45 "But Brodin," lamented the harlot, "why dost thou toil beneath ever increasing load? 46 Come lay with me in my weakness, where all is soft ye shall not be stained with rust." 47 Brodin did reply, "Woman, surely you know that only the hard shall be rewarded with the soft. 48 Do you not see? 49 When I lift, I lift for thee." 50 Brodin then summoned His Pythons and the harlot understood: 51 Verily, curls are for the girls.
Brozekiel / WheyzekialEdit
16 A curse fell upon me, like lightning from the sky 17 Found myself alone and empty, a desire to die 18 One night in the midst of my agony, a barbell fell 19 I looked up to the heavens, and heard Brodin Yell! 20 "LIFT" he said, but I was way too skinny 21 "The pain is too deep..", I was looking for pity 22 "LIFT" he said, "For this is the easiest of pains" 23 "Your whole life is a test, prove yourself with gains" 24 I put the shambles of myself together, and did what I can 25 Who knew it would feel so good, feeling able, feeling grand 26 I worshiped at the temple from that day on, I'll never abandon he 27 You who lifted me at my weakest, and made me believe in thee
41 Let he with the swole glutes turn the other cheek for he needeth every gain. 42 Let not the pretender diminish your swell for he knoweth not the path of iron.
17 The path of the swole man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the mirers and the tyranny of envious men. 18 Blessed is he who, in the name of squats and gains, shepherds the weak through the valley of the jealous, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the bringer of gains. 19 And I will strike down upon thee with great weight and furious reps those who attempt to ridicule and shame my swole-brothers. 20 And you will know I am Brodin when I lay my vengeance upon you.
11 For if we cannot lift a lifeless piece of iron, which cares not about us, how could we ever deal with life's problems, which are much heavier?
11 Sheets of whey poured from the sky, and at once all creatures knew this was the day of judgement. 12 He who forged the iron dumbbell descended upon them and stood at the Great Cliff of Swolehalla. 13 And he cried, "All who have worshiped devotedly at mine temple shall be saved. 14 Those who have lived a life of sloth and frailty will meet their demise." 15 Brodin placed the Rock of Brostantine upon his traps and cast it miles into the sky. 16 Upon its return, the impact created a hole as far as the eye could see, and its depths reached to the Realm of Weakness. 17 Try as they might, the feeble could not climb out - for their squats had been too few. 18 But the swole ascended from the chasm to worship Brodin once more, now free of their plague that was the weak.
13 I am the brahlpha and the swolemega -- the first and the last rep.
16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are gorging away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day thereafter. 17 For our cheat days are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 We fix our eyes not on what is seen in the checkout line, but on what is unseen, in the temple of iron. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be toned flesh.
And then Brodin looked upon that which he created and said, "I give unto thee the Double Cheeseburger, the Supreme Pizza, the Nacho and the Chicken Wing. Fear not in consuming these, for they are my body. IIFYM ye shall not be stricken down for bulking dirty, but shall be blessed with gainz until you join your brothers and sisters in Swolehalla."
3 Brethren of swole, when strength is of need, am I not with thee? 4 Verily, I say nay. 5 When strength is needed, I shall spot thee, 6 For when thy gainz be used to help the least of these thy brethren, thou spotteth me.
12 As you stand up after squatting to the depths, you must also stand up for your swolebrothers and yourself 13 To blaspheme and call knee bends squats is to shame all swole kind.
6 And he said unto them: Lift and thine temple shall be built. Tear down thy temple one muscle at a time and rebuild on a continuous timetable.
1 There once was a young man named Arnold. He was frail, and small of stature. 2 [One] day, young Arnold found himself daydreaming. 3 'I am tired of being frail' he said, 'My heart yearns that my body was as strong as the mighty Oak tree.' 4 Later that evening, Brodin appeared to the young man in his sleep, 5 'Fear not, young newbophyte, for I, Brodin, the God of Iron and Sweat, have heard your cries. 6 Verily I say unto you, the path you have chosen is difficult, yet noble. What you seek can be achieved. 7 You must go pray in my Temple of Iron, I will forge you in the same fires that forged the Plates of Standard Olympic. 8 Go now, young man...fill my altar with sacrifices of squat, deadlift, bench press, and presses of overhead, and see your desires fulfilled.' 9 And so the young Arnold did. He became as mighty and large as the Oak. 10 His road arduous and long, yet he never wavered, he received criticism, yet he ignored them like the pain he ignored at the Temple of Iron, his reward was that of the greatest names in Swole, and has been enshrined in the Temple of Swohalla.
1 In the fire he stood, his hands upon the iron. And Brodin came unto him and said 2 "I tell you verily, say unto thy squat rack "be light", and it shall be defeated. Say unto thy leg press "be moveable" and it shall be moved. 3 For all things are possible with swole, and through Brodin your shepherd. 4 [For] through Brodin you have the power to trample unmovable iron and bend it to your will as you would your soul.
6 And Zyzz was greatly distressed, for the people spoke of stoning him, because all the people were mirin, each for his sons and daughters. 7 But Zyzz strengthened himself in Brodin. 8 I dreamed I was lifting in the gym with Zyzz, and across the gym air flashed lifts from my life. 9 For each lift I noticed two sets of barbells in the gym; one belonged to me, and the other to Zyzz. 10 When the last scene of my life flashed before us, I looked back at the barbells in the gym. 11 I noticed that many times along the path of my life, there was only one barbell. 12 I also noticed that it happened at the very hardest and toughest lifts in my life, this really bothered me, and I questioned zyzz about it: 13 "Zyzz, you said that once I decided to follow you, you would lift with me all the way. 14 But I have noticed that during the hardest lifts in my life, there is only one barbell. 15 I don’t understand why in times when I needed you the most, you would leave me." 16 Zyzz replied, "My precious, precious bro. I love you (no homo), and I would never, ever leave you during your times of DOMS and suffering. 17 When you saw only one barbell, it was then that I spotted you."
19 And Brodin said: "He who hath improper form, I shall not bless with gains, but he shall remain skinnyfat for all of time, until his form is corrected, and he is seen as pleasing in the eyes of Brodin."
Swoluke / BrukeEdit
1 As the prophet Rippetoe looked up, he saw the swole of body lifting much iron with little effort. 2 He also saw a skinny man, with much effort and perfect form, lift a bar with only two very small plates. 3 "Truly I tell you," he said, "this skinny man has offered more than all the others." 4 "All these people gave their gifts out of swole body; but he, swole of heart, put in all he could possibly lift."
27 And he answering said, Thou shalt love the Iron Whey with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbor as thyself.
32 Brodin who equipped me with strength and made my way enlightened. 33 He made my quads like the trunks of a tree and spotted me secure within the rack. 34 He trains my body for war, so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
24 And thus Brodin said unto the prophet, Arnold, "forgive them, for they know not the way of swole."
22 Broses said, "Brodin will raise up for you a Brofessor like me who also worships at the Iron Temple. 23 You shall listen to him in whatever he tells you."
Other / Philosophies / SayingsEdit
I baptize you with whey for repentance. But after me comes one who is more powerful than I, whose sweat towel I am not worthy to clean. He will baptize you with the Spirit of Lifting and Fire!
Blessed are the rich in quads: for they shall find pants that fit. Blessed are the strong: for they shall possess the land. Blessed are they who lift: for they shall be lifted. Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after leg day: for they shall have their fill. Blessed are the spotters: for they shall be repaid tenfold with gainz. Blessed are the clean and jerk: for they shall make you into God. Blessed are the massgainers: for they shall be called the children of Brodin. Blessed are they that suffer persecution for swole's sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
The Broatitudes (from unattributed text)
And the Lord Brodin said: "Check thy privilege, and judge not thy fellow man, for the truest gainz are those of the heart." The Lord Brodin then proceeded to bench a thousand heartbreaks with his mighty heart.
Judge not the swole, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and it shall be measured to you again by the father, who is swoliest of all.
"There is no such thing as Broddhism. There are only undeveloped Broddhas on the path to enswolement."
Brahmmapadha, Siddartha Brotama
1 Swolemind is the forerunner of all gains. All gains are led by swolemind, created by swolemind. If one speaks or acts with a weakmind, catabolism follows As the wheel follows the push of Conan. 2 Swolemind is the forerunner of all gains. All gains are led by swolemind, created by swolemind. If one lifts and completes reps with a swolemind, gains follow. As surely as one's shadow. 3 "He lunk alarm'd me, swolehated me, interrupted my rep" Harboring such thoughts keeps weakness alive. 4 "He lunk alarm'd me, swolehated me, interrupted my rep" Releasing such thoughts banishes the weakmind for all time. 5 Unswole does not eradicate unswole. Only by dedication to the path of iron is unswole dissolved. This law is ancient and sacred. 6 There are those who are aware That they are always facing death Knowing this, they put aside all weakmind 7 The one who lives for steady-state cardio Indulgent in eating Lazy, and lacking in energy The tempter Missedreps breaks, Just as the obese breaks a fail elliptical. 8 The one who lives swolemindfully, senses under control Careful yet willingful in eating, devout to the temple, energetic from PWO Cannot be overthrown by missed reps Just as the wind cannot shake the bark from a great oak tree. 9 The spud belt does not in itself Render one free from weakmind If the one who wears that belt Is lacking in self-discipline and honest reps He is unworthy of such a belt. 10 Only one who is free from weakmind, Well-disciplined, honest in reps, And endowed with swolemind Is worthy of the spudbelt. 11 Those who fail to distinguish The nonessential assistance work from the essential And the essential assistance work from the nonessential Will, in feeding on weakmind thoughts, Fail to attain the essential 12 On the other bicep, those who correctly perceive The assistance work as assistance work, Will, in feeding on swolemind thoughts, Attain the essential 13 As creatine pours through a slotted serving spoon So does weakmind penetrate the unswole 14 For the doer of unswole deeds there is only catabolism Here as well as hereafter In both states he experiences catabolism Seeing his own unswole acts. 15 For the doer of swole deeds there is rejoicing Here as well as hereafter Swole and more swole are his As he sees his own right action 16 The doer of unswole deeds reaps catabolism Here and hereafter In both states remembering, "I have cardiobunnied" Not only here, but hereafter, he experiences more catabolism Because he has gone to a state of unswole 17 The doer of swole deeds reaps gains Here and hereafter In both states remembering "I have walked the path of iron" And there is more swole Because he has gone to Brodin's state 18 A careless person Quoting much of the swolemind text, but not living it Cannot share the abundance of the swole life Just as the weakbrah, counting other people's reps Cannot taste the pump or refeed 19 Reciting a small portion of the swolemind text But putting it diligently into practice Letting go of weakmind, swolescrimination, and muscle confusion Revering in the truth with a swolemind And not clinging to missed reps, here or hereafter Brings the harvest of the life of gains.
Brahmmapadha 1, Siddartha Brotama (Unknown discovery)
"Since in order to gain, one must first mire, learn to gain by miring another bro."
Bromi, 13th century Sufi poet
"Even if it seems certain that you will not gain, lift. Neither wisdom nor technique has a place in this. A real bro does not think of victory or defeat. He plunges recklessly towards an irrational routine. By doing this, you will awaken from your weakness."
Brahgakure, Tsunetomo Yamabroto
13 And on that day Brodin cast down upon his people the Trapezius; the cushion of thy almighty squat bar
8 Then there was a new manager, who know nothing of Broseph, came to power in the gym. 9 He said to his subjects, "Look how numerous and powerful the Liftrealite people are growing, more so than we ourselves! 10 Come, let us deal shrewdly with them to stop thier increasing gains; otherwise, in a time of competition they too may join out enemies and lift against us, and so leave our gym" 11 Accordingly, the PTs were set over the Liftrealites to opress them with forced cardio. They had to run for Michael Grondahl, to power the gyms at Planet Fittness. 12 Yet the more they were oppressed, the more they grew and spread. The PTs, then, dreaded the Liftrealites and reduced them to cruel slavery, 13 making life bitter for them with hard work re-reacking weights for all the gyms in the land-the whole cruel fate of the slaves
Flexodus 1:8-13 (unsourced)
1 I dreamed I was lifting in the gym with Zyzz, and across the gym air flashed lifts from my life. 2 For each lift I noticed two sets of barbells in the gym; one belonged to me, and the other to Zyzz. 3 When the last scene of my life flashed before us, I looked back at the barbells in the gym. 4 I noticed that many times along the path of my life, there was only one barbell. 5 I also noticed that it happened at the very hardest and toughest lifts in my life, this really bothered me, and I questioned Zyzz about it: 6 "Zyzz, you said that once I decided to follow you, you would lift with me all the way. 7 But I have noticed that during the hardest lifts in my life, there is only one barbell. 8 I don't understand why in times when I needed you the most, you should leave me." 9 Zyzz replied, "My precious, precious bro. I love you (no homo), and I would never, never leave you during your times of DOMS and suffering. 10 When you saw only one barbell, it was then that I spotted you."
1 Yea, though he toiled mightily beneath the holy Iron of Brodin, the young bro was discouraged. 2 Sayeth the bro, "Lord Brodin, the Iron moves slowly, though I toil thus." 3 Brodin sayeth unto him, "Verily, the Iron moves not at all. 4 It is the Earth that moves, for you are swole of heart."
1 For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under swolehalla: a time to squat and a time to bench, a time to cut and a time to bulk, a time for carbs and a time for whey, a time to be swole and a time to be shamed
"I'm bloated, holding water, and can look a little puffy. I can have slight gyno, some acne, and at times rage and mood swings. But if you cant handle me when im bulking, you sure as hell don't deserve me when I'm shredded."
For you are a people holy to the Lord Brodin. Those who have sought the path of swolliness, Those people are his most treasured possession. It must be known that Lord Brodin does not choose those who are swoll. For those who are swoll have chosen Lord Brodin.
"Gains are not something ready made. They comes from your own actions."
"There is a well known saying in the halls of Swolehalla: 'Injury should be utilized as a source of strength.' No matter what sort of setback, how painful tears and breaks are, if we lose our faith in Swole, that's our real disaster."
"Every day, think as you wake up, today I am fortunate to lift, I have precious gains, I am not going to waste them. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my devotion to Swole out to others; to achieve hip drive for the benefit of all beings. I am going to share my protein shakes and steak/bacon with others, I am not going to roidrage or swolehate on others. I am going to spot and encourage others as much as I can." "Judge your success by what you had to lift up and put down in order to get it."
"If you can cultivate the right attitude, your haters are your best trainers because their swolehate provides you with the opportunity to enhance and develop tolerance, patience, and Swoleness."
"Outer swoleness must develop from inner swoleness. Swole is not just mere absence of weakprivilege. Swoleness is, I think, the manifestation of human willpower."
"Choose to lift heavy, it feels better."
Thy shall always re-rack thy plates in honor of thy holy god, Swolefather. No matter what the circumstance, Brodin will be disappointed in your conduct. Even if the Iron Temple is empty, and no one is there. Thy Brodin is always with you, watching your every ploy for ultimate swoledom. However, there is one sin that Brodin himself is said to have never committed. And that is the sin of not re-racking thy plates thereafter thy discharge of kinetic energy is finished. It only makes swolely sense to use more of your energy to walk three steps to put thy holy iron back into thy resting place. Praise comes to all brodinists that follow this decree. Thus, you are saving other brociples the sacred time they have to worship the swolely Brodin, from the hardships thy might encounter when lesser swoles thwart our discovery of the holy iron we are looking for to lift. This path of disobeying the Holy Temple's rules does not make you swole, but obeying the swolosophy from the Book of Brodin: Swole of the Spirit will heal and protect you from this curse. One musn't fall victim of the Bellyal, and always remember thy holy rule of Brodin. May the Brodin be with you and bless all brodinists with maximum gains.
13 Let not the gains of your heart diminish the gains from your mind for the path of iron is long and full of hardship. 14 Do not fret for worrying is the worst form of cardio.
13 Lord forgive me for thine gainz I am about to acquire. 14 Sing, O Bros, the anger of Basilicles son of the barbell, that brought countless ills upon the Bromans. 15 Many a brave gainz did it send hurrying down to the Shades, and many a hero did it yield a prey to dogs and vultures, for so were the counsels of Brodin fulfilled from the day on which the son of the Barbell, Brofessor of gainz, and great Basilicles, first fell out with one another.
Flee from Cardio, run from it. For it its path leads down to the dead its feet take hold of atrophy: none who go to her return again, neither do they attain to the paths of the swole.
Wisdom of Contemporary BrociplesEdit
"Each rep is a gift from Brodin" -DrToss
Footprints in the Chalkdust One night I dreamt I was lifting in the gym with Rippetoe. Many scenes from my life flashed across the walls. In each scene I noticed footprints in the chalkdust. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints. Other times there were but one set of footprints. This bothered me because I noticed that during the deep portion of the squat, When I was suffering from anguish, sorrow, or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints. So I said to Rippetoe, "You promised me, Coach, That if I followed you, you would make me strong always. But I noticed that during the lowest part of my squat, There have only been one set of prints in the chalk. Why, When I need you most of all, do you leave my side" Rippetoe replied, "It is when your squats are deepest, your potential for massive gainz greatest, That I must leave your side, So that I may spot you."
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